Thursday, March 8, 2007
And Oh, Yeah
By the way, I ended up being arrested, of course for trespassing, instead of smoking. And got kicked out of Rainbow Center. (ouch) BUT, I protested yesterday, got a sign that says "Stop Discrimination against Mentally Ill" ha hahahhahah---I'm brave, I'm standing up for a good cause and up against the "powers" that be...Life is good...so good! (and bittersweet)
Not Exactly as Planned
Monday--a day that I'll never forget. It's ironic how I had expected quite another kind of day the night before. But I'm not surprised, really.
I went to the Rainbow Center, brought some cds I had made on Friday, some old ones, brought all my lyric collection to share... was tired, hadn't slept...
Sat on the seat
tried to talk
Jason I sat next to
He creeps me out
Why do I try?
He bores me too
So mysterious
I have an inkling
he uses that to be more interesting
but just a facade
so forget it
He's not honest
Don't want anything to do with that
then Lyle comes up
Doesn't say hi
climbs up on ladder
fixes fan
I don't say hi sometimes too
But I start talking to him
then stop
oh, yeah I did say hi
but he's deaf
but doesn't say
how much does he act like he hears that he doesn't
and how much of that does he reject as unacceptable
I swore later
he heard that
he put his foot down
forget the rest
he can't hear the rest
Anyway, went outside
WTA lady comes around again
tells me I can't smoke there
I refuse to move
who does she think she is
doesn't she have better ways to spend her time
is this what homeland security money being spent on
harrassing people who are minding their own business
fuck her
what a bitch
just so she can feel better about herself
she wants to mess with the crazy girl at the rainbow center
so mean
i don't want to learn how to be more like that
anyway
she called her goons
they flanked me
they cornered me
they tried to intimidate me
because I smoked outside of a building
Discrimination:
It's discrimination when you target one group of people over another. No where else are they telling people to not smoke outside of doors. Leave the mentally ill, homeless and poor people alone, you bastards. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You disgust me. Heartless, unseeing, callous. It hurts to be picked on, it hurts to see your friends picked on by bullies. Just stop. You are worse examples to the young than people smoking cigarettes. You spread hate and intimidation. Go fuck yourselves. Go learn something. I don't know, I don't care, just stop being so obviously bigoted.
I'm obviously really angry and hurt right now. But I will retain my values, ethics, morals, ideals. I will turn this into a positive, a vehicle to make things better. I will keep my eye on dignity; my own and everyone's. Of course, I'll falter some, but I will never lose sight.
Peace
I went to the Rainbow Center, brought some cds I had made on Friday, some old ones, brought all my lyric collection to share... was tired, hadn't slept...
Sat on the seat
tried to talk
Jason I sat next to
He creeps me out
Why do I try?
He bores me too
So mysterious
I have an inkling
he uses that to be more interesting
but just a facade
so forget it
He's not honest
Don't want anything to do with that
then Lyle comes up
Doesn't say hi
climbs up on ladder
fixes fan
I don't say hi sometimes too
But I start talking to him
then stop
oh, yeah I did say hi
but he's deaf
but doesn't say
how much does he act like he hears that he doesn't
and how much of that does he reject as unacceptable
I swore later
he heard that
he put his foot down
forget the rest
he can't hear the rest
Anyway, went outside
WTA lady comes around again
tells me I can't smoke there
I refuse to move
who does she think she is
doesn't she have better ways to spend her time
is this what homeland security money being spent on
harrassing people who are minding their own business
fuck her
what a bitch
just so she can feel better about herself
she wants to mess with the crazy girl at the rainbow center
so mean
i don't want to learn how to be more like that
anyway
she called her goons
they flanked me
they cornered me
they tried to intimidate me
because I smoked outside of a building
Discrimination:
It's discrimination when you target one group of people over another. No where else are they telling people to not smoke outside of doors. Leave the mentally ill, homeless and poor people alone, you bastards. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You disgust me. Heartless, unseeing, callous. It hurts to be picked on, it hurts to see your friends picked on by bullies. Just stop. You are worse examples to the young than people smoking cigarettes. You spread hate and intimidation. Go fuck yourselves. Go learn something. I don't know, I don't care, just stop being so obviously bigoted.
I'm obviously really angry and hurt right now. But I will retain my values, ethics, morals, ideals. I will turn this into a positive, a vehicle to make things better. I will keep my eye on dignity; my own and everyone's. Of course, I'll falter some, but I will never lose sight.
Peace
Monday, March 5, 2007
Seth, I'm Sorry
It must hurt to see me suffer
You feel so out of control
The way I bitch and moan
So in the public eye
I'm sorry for the past
The things I've said
I'm sorry for the things I'll say
The future glaring ahead
Forgive me for being me
I like to voice the pain
That's where I find the beauty
And share it
I have to share it
And I have to show how I found it
I have to
So to all you that may read this
And think Seth did something wrong
He's stuck by me 8 1/2 years
That's love that lasted that long
You feel so out of control
The way I bitch and moan
So in the public eye
I'm sorry for the past
The things I've said
I'm sorry for the things I'll say
The future glaring ahead
Forgive me for being me
I like to voice the pain
That's where I find the beauty
And share it
I have to share it
And I have to show how I found it
I have to
So to all you that may read this
And think Seth did something wrong
He's stuck by me 8 1/2 years
That's love that lasted that long
The start of my book: Transcribed Por Vous (whoever you may be)
Here it is:
Prologue
"I'm goint to sit down, and I'm going to do this. Slow and fast, over and over I'll write the letters down and make sense out of my life.
Tomorrow I'll be at the Rainbow Center. It's not as happy as it sounds. It's dank, depressing and filled with restless, outcast spirits; tortured souls. But they belong here--they make themselves belong. They're not here. They arrived and have the kindness to make the fringes feel useful.
I'm a fringe, though, too. And I'm being useful as well. I'm to transpose these people onto to paper--give them the dignity they deserve. I'll have to betray them along the way--be true to myself, as Ziggy Marley would say. It won't be entirely of them--let's get that clear right now-- a lot will be of me. How else could it be? The people that have walked in and out of my life--and on the outskirts, too.
I'll have to be selfish, and I'm sorry. Mine is a small world, as is all of ours--we see eachother through our own lenses. We see eachother through the context of ourselves. It can't be any other way.
My family will loom large in these pictures--and the anger and pain and loyalty and love will loom, too. It's all one with them.
How to start? Mybe never--maybe I'll never wake again to a day--a tomorrow--where I'll sit in the back room, belonging to the unbelonging...
Maybe I'll never sleep in order to wake. It's 2am or therabouts, after all... and then I'll be re-initiated into the world of the unbelonged.
Have I left?
0 0 0
See, I'm what you'd call "bipolar". Ugly word, ugly meaning, ugly life. If you look it up, it's a riot (if it doesn't explain you). Manic-depression--delusions of grandeur, flights of fancy, unpredictable behavior, uncontrollable mood. Sounds like a bird at first--soaring, soaring, explorring--until it crashes into a building going 80 miles an hours and falls bloody and wounded, pathetic, unmoving 100 stories down on the pavement, being walked on, gawked at and abhored. Ah! The joy of it! (Sike).
Strange, strange to be one of these creatures. One minute flying to uncharted territory--and then being put on the rack for it--and that's before you're really strapped down. All in your head--your strange, strange head. And you pay for that ecstasy--you pay twice--once to yourself--your depression--then again in the "hospital". Not at all "hospitable". Well, maybe the spit in the word is right. "A" for effort goes to the world. Yea, for it.
Can you sense the hosility yet? I can. And that's part of why I'm writing this book. I got to get to the nitty-gritty. (Before it gets to me). What's bothering me? Besides my parents' tragic death, my brother's unsolved demise, my second "mother"'s influence, blah, blah, blah... See, why even bother telling you a hint now? You already should have known. My whole life was screaming it at you, big bad world!
First, you need some context. And where to start, other than the here-and-now? Here's a tid-bit--a scene--a setting:
Bellingham, Washington, USA. (Corner left of the map of the world--ha!) Apartment, ground floor--3 bedrooms. I'm in the livingroom--at a computer desk--writing on computer paper (the actual computer is turned off.) Left--a door to a bedroom alsmost bare, except for 4 animals-- 2 rabbits, a bird and a rat. All in stacked cages, except the bird gets to roam free (kinda sorta, her wings were clipped...and no, fucker, I didn't do it). Before you jump to conclusions, let me be clear--all of them get to be out of their cages during the day, to run around the house, as they so chose. So there.
To my left, around two corners--through the kitchen, past the bathroom, through the hall--door ahead, my son's. Age 11. But not there. He's at his dad's, where he usually is, aside from school. (How come the school didn't have to go to court, too?). His room remains unused and empty 5 days out of 7. Directly to the left of his door--our bedroom. My boyfriend's and mine. He's in there, lying alone on a soft mattress, trying to get some sleep. And he is probably sleeping, but whether it's restful or not, I've no idea.
Time for a cigarette. I can tell the truth is rustling under the covers, dying to get out, and it's making me nervous. What have I agreed to do?
0 0 0
How do you end up crazy? If this book does anything at all useful, if you can see past the obvious self-absorption of it all--maybe it will teach a few people how to avoid the pitfall of being dehumanized, catorgorized and condescended to by a litany of well-meaning professionals who got their start by relieving the boredom of their own lives by picking apart the psyches of "others." --I truly believe that. That mental health practioners were so entralled by their own thinking being akin to others--but got lost in the world of separation. Does that make any sense? Somewhere in there I know the sense is glaring. Somewhere, somewhere.
Or maybe I'm taling about myself. Couldn't I be classified as a "mental health professional"--oh, wait--oh, yeah, (I'm sure they'll remind me) I'm a mental illness professional. Not at all similar. Is it? Hmmm... It takes two to tango comes to mind...
0 0 0
Another tragedy in the life of Ann. I was just having fun in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, ignoring the fat arms & grotesque belly--instead, moving, dancing, inspecting my clear forehead, my bright eyes, my pretty (though feigned grin) when I turned, and saw...birdshit. Thanks, Sesame. You're a doll.
0 0 0
Chapter One
"When anyone dies, we're all implicated."
Ann E. Merchant
March 5, 2006
3:44 am
I'm going to transcribe this onto my blog...along with this paragraph I'm writing now. And to all you dabbling in the sordid world of plagairism--well--I got the original! Muuwaahhh!
Prologue
"I'm goint to sit down, and I'm going to do this. Slow and fast, over and over I'll write the letters down and make sense out of my life.
Tomorrow I'll be at the Rainbow Center. It's not as happy as it sounds. It's dank, depressing and filled with restless, outcast spirits; tortured souls. But they belong here--they make themselves belong. They're not here. They arrived and have the kindness to make the fringes feel useful.
I'm a fringe, though, too. And I'm being useful as well. I'm to transpose these people onto to paper--give them the dignity they deserve. I'll have to betray them along the way--be true to myself, as Ziggy Marley would say. It won't be entirely of them--let's get that clear right now-- a lot will be of me. How else could it be? The people that have walked in and out of my life--and on the outskirts, too.
I'll have to be selfish, and I'm sorry. Mine is a small world, as is all of ours--we see eachother through our own lenses. We see eachother through the context of ourselves. It can't be any other way.
My family will loom large in these pictures--and the anger and pain and loyalty and love will loom, too. It's all one with them.
How to start? Mybe never--maybe I'll never wake again to a day--a tomorrow--where I'll sit in the back room, belonging to the unbelonging...
Maybe I'll never sleep in order to wake. It's 2am or therabouts, after all... and then I'll be re-initiated into the world of the unbelonged.
Have I left?
0 0 0
See, I'm what you'd call "bipolar". Ugly word, ugly meaning, ugly life. If you look it up, it's a riot (if it doesn't explain you). Manic-depression--delusions of grandeur, flights of fancy, unpredictable behavior, uncontrollable mood. Sounds like a bird at first--soaring, soaring, explorring--until it crashes into a building going 80 miles an hours and falls bloody and wounded, pathetic, unmoving 100 stories down on the pavement, being walked on, gawked at and abhored. Ah! The joy of it! (Sike).
Strange, strange to be one of these creatures. One minute flying to uncharted territory--and then being put on the rack for it--and that's before you're really strapped down. All in your head--your strange, strange head. And you pay for that ecstasy--you pay twice--once to yourself--your depression--then again in the "hospital". Not at all "hospitable". Well, maybe the spit in the word is right. "A" for effort goes to the world. Yea, for it.
Can you sense the hosility yet? I can. And that's part of why I'm writing this book. I got to get to the nitty-gritty. (Before it gets to me). What's bothering me? Besides my parents' tragic death, my brother's unsolved demise, my second "mother"'s influence, blah, blah, blah... See, why even bother telling you a hint now? You already should have known. My whole life was screaming it at you, big bad world!
First, you need some context. And where to start, other than the here-and-now? Here's a tid-bit--a scene--a setting:
Bellingham, Washington, USA. (Corner left of the map of the world--ha!) Apartment, ground floor--3 bedrooms. I'm in the livingroom--at a computer desk--writing on computer paper (the actual computer is turned off.) Left--a door to a bedroom alsmost bare, except for 4 animals-- 2 rabbits, a bird and a rat. All in stacked cages, except the bird gets to roam free (kinda sorta, her wings were clipped...and no, fucker, I didn't do it). Before you jump to conclusions, let me be clear--all of them get to be out of their cages during the day, to run around the house, as they so chose. So there.
To my left, around two corners--through the kitchen, past the bathroom, through the hall--door ahead, my son's. Age 11. But not there. He's at his dad's, where he usually is, aside from school. (How come the school didn't have to go to court, too?). His room remains unused and empty 5 days out of 7. Directly to the left of his door--our bedroom. My boyfriend's and mine. He's in there, lying alone on a soft mattress, trying to get some sleep. And he is probably sleeping, but whether it's restful or not, I've no idea.
Time for a cigarette. I can tell the truth is rustling under the covers, dying to get out, and it's making me nervous. What have I agreed to do?
0 0 0
How do you end up crazy? If this book does anything at all useful, if you can see past the obvious self-absorption of it all--maybe it will teach a few people how to avoid the pitfall of being dehumanized, catorgorized and condescended to by a litany of well-meaning professionals who got their start by relieving the boredom of their own lives by picking apart the psyches of "others." --I truly believe that. That mental health practioners were so entralled by their own thinking being akin to others--but got lost in the world of separation. Does that make any sense? Somewhere in there I know the sense is glaring. Somewhere, somewhere.
Or maybe I'm taling about myself. Couldn't I be classified as a "mental health professional"--oh, wait--oh, yeah, (I'm sure they'll remind me) I'm a mental illness professional. Not at all similar. Is it? Hmmm... It takes two to tango comes to mind...
0 0 0
Another tragedy in the life of Ann. I was just having fun in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, ignoring the fat arms & grotesque belly--instead, moving, dancing, inspecting my clear forehead, my bright eyes, my pretty (though feigned grin) when I turned, and saw...birdshit. Thanks, Sesame. You're a doll.
0 0 0
Chapter One
"When anyone dies, we're all implicated."
Ann E. Merchant
March 5, 2006
3:44 am
I'm going to transcribe this onto my blog...along with this paragraph I'm writing now. And to all you dabbling in the sordid world of plagairism--well--I got the original! Muuwaahhh!
Monday, February 26, 2007
watch a dream move through the pipes
It's all a pipe-dream now. and how? you say, I'll tell.....
It sucks it sucks, this life of us...it sucks, I know to say....
Life sucks it sucks, we never fuck....it sucks our dreams away
You say stay still, never fear...becuase you're dreams are the worst that could happen.
Thanks a lot, Europe lost, and the adventure we could've had
Is a nightmare in a fantasy of make-believe care
Thank you, thank you, please come again
It sucks it sucks, this life of us...it sucks, I know to say....
Life sucks it sucks, we never fuck....it sucks our dreams away
You say stay still, never fear...becuase you're dreams are the worst that could happen.
Thanks a lot, Europe lost, and the adventure we could've had
Is a nightmare in a fantasy of make-believe care
Thank you, thank you, please come again
We're all little stars
In kindergarten they teach us
to never see the bad
We live each day after
wishing the truth had been said
We all are utter losers
Once we lose our youth
It starts about 13
and then we change the rules
but the rules don't really change
they cheated along
no fairness in this life
how to go on?
I once was small and gentle
cute and amusing too
And so were you who reads this
But it's all gone through
We've become our parents
strict, boring and lost
we've become the monsters
that lurked in our own closets
We kill and lie and suffer
a horrible stinking life
you think not, well think again
sorry, to flunk
a kindergarten drop out
that would've been enough for me
I'd still have those lies
unbeaten out of me
to never see the bad
We live each day after
wishing the truth had been said
We all are utter losers
Once we lose our youth
It starts about 13
and then we change the rules
but the rules don't really change
they cheated along
no fairness in this life
how to go on?
I once was small and gentle
cute and amusing too
And so were you who reads this
But it's all gone through
We've become our parents
strict, boring and lost
we've become the monsters
that lurked in our own closets
We kill and lie and suffer
a horrible stinking life
you think not, well think again
sorry, to flunk
a kindergarten drop out
that would've been enough for me
I'd still have those lies
unbeaten out of me
Social Criticism pt. 5,015
Too bad it's not enough
the lines got too rough
to sneeze at
The teasing at the well
Jesus won't ever tell
Why they let it go so long
And community's a bust
When all we do we must
not foget all others left behind
So gather your goodbyes
And try to cry
I'll tell no secrets this time
Why must we waste
all the beauty and grace
In small circle
that never reach far
I'll give it all up
I'll wipe my butt
on memories from past pretenses
Funny, so you say
And laugh the tone away
It's dark, but badly done
Ha ha so hilarious
I'm acting rather precarious
But fuck it all, it never works out anyway
I could be wrong
But if so, I'm not strong
I'm weak, you should pity me then
So it's back in your court
Don't forget your fork
eat properly, but don't eat much
If you do, you'll see
that we loved you fakily
and the world can't look in the mirror
Mirrors are for truth
and the world's a ruse
so dash it all, and blame me
This is now the end
I've acted like a friend
but friends don't give up
the lines got too rough
to sneeze at
The teasing at the well
Jesus won't ever tell
Why they let it go so long
And community's a bust
When all we do we must
not foget all others left behind
So gather your goodbyes
And try to cry
I'll tell no secrets this time
Why must we waste
all the beauty and grace
In small circle
that never reach far
I'll give it all up
I'll wipe my butt
on memories from past pretenses
Funny, so you say
And laugh the tone away
It's dark, but badly done
Ha ha so hilarious
I'm acting rather precarious
But fuck it all, it never works out anyway
I could be wrong
But if so, I'm not strong
I'm weak, you should pity me then
So it's back in your court
Don't forget your fork
eat properly, but don't eat much
If you do, you'll see
that we loved you fakily
and the world can't look in the mirror
Mirrors are for truth
and the world's a ruse
so dash it all, and blame me
This is now the end
I've acted like a friend
but friends don't give up
This sucks, pt. 1,000,003
Had another shitty day, at the end of a shitty day. I'm sick of shitty days. Again. You walk out the door, like other shitty days, and when you come home it's still shitty, again. How many times must we act like we care for the other, when we're number one. How can we see, but love was just a dream. A sickening, shitty dream.
Another shitty post, like all other shitty posts. A shitty rhyme to say this is shitty today. Another time to let, all others not forget, that shittiness in rife all life-long. So how to proceed, when we only need, a way to get past this pain right now. How do I do all the things I'm told I should, when it's just another shitty day.
Yet again, this is shitty. And life isn't witty, it's just trying to pass the time away. I'll say once again, boy, is this shitty, just so you know I wasn't kidding.
So Goodbye, once again, to a post without a friend. I'll let you know when it gets shitty again.
Another shitty post, like all other shitty posts. A shitty rhyme to say this is shitty today. Another time to let, all others not forget, that shittiness in rife all life-long. So how to proceed, when we only need, a way to get past this pain right now. How do I do all the things I'm told I should, when it's just another shitty day.
Yet again, this is shitty. And life isn't witty, it's just trying to pass the time away. I'll say once again, boy, is this shitty, just so you know I wasn't kidding.
So Goodbye, once again, to a post without a friend. I'll let you know when it gets shitty again.
I'm Not Crazy, Everyone Else is
Everyone isn't crazy, life is
Life isn't crazy, living it is
Living life isn't crazy, giving it up is
Giving up life isn't crazy, giving it away is
Giving away life isn't crazy, taking it is
Taking life isn't crazy, wasting it is
Wasting life isn't crazy, using it is
Using life isn't crazy, abusing it is
Abusing life isn't crazy, neglecting it is
Neglecting life isn't crazy, silencing it is
Silencing life isn't crazy, voicing it is
So, shhh....be quiet. Act like you like being alive, then you'll be deemed sane.
Life isn't crazy, living it is
Living life isn't crazy, giving it up is
Giving up life isn't crazy, giving it away is
Giving away life isn't crazy, taking it is
Taking life isn't crazy, wasting it is
Wasting life isn't crazy, using it is
Using life isn't crazy, abusing it is
Abusing life isn't crazy, neglecting it is
Neglecting life isn't crazy, silencing it is
Silencing life isn't crazy, voicing it is
So, shhh....be quiet. Act like you like being alive, then you'll be deemed sane.
Might as Well Say it
Just to let all you out there that may run across my blog sometime in the future; and in case you've wondered how I could be this fucked up; my parents died when I was a wee little runt, from murder-suicide. So I have an eternal excuse to be as neurotic, as crazy, as bitchy, fucked-up, mean, retarded, and anti-social as I wanna be. Thanks, Dad! (And they say suicide is selfish, boy, are they wrong)
A Night
I just don't know
where to go
All the lines recede
inside of me
the pictures crack
I want them back
But to see again
is a pipe dream
you're falling
so softly now
you're falling away
you're falling ever with me now
together, apart, everyday
See the makeup smear my face
see the lines drawing a trace
the contours are what matter
the inside's just a bore
I feel, but then I linger
I faint, and then I fall
And through it all
I see you stand apart
Take this crazy heart
rip it and tear it asunder
you'll stop only to thunder
what was never to be
I cried a zillion times
when the phone broke out it's line
the sounds, it's pieces reflected
a lost and lonely life
that night, in the darkness,
'twas love and hate combined
And in me lay the pieces
What to do, not enough time
thanks a lot for choosing me
to suffer this heavy load
but that kiss you gave to me
let me somehow know
that it wasn't because of me
but for eternity
where to go
All the lines recede
inside of me
the pictures crack
I want them back
But to see again
is a pipe dream
you're falling
so softly now
you're falling away
you're falling ever with me now
together, apart, everyday
See the makeup smear my face
see the lines drawing a trace
the contours are what matter
the inside's just a bore
I feel, but then I linger
I faint, and then I fall
And through it all
I see you stand apart
Take this crazy heart
rip it and tear it asunder
you'll stop only to thunder
what was never to be
I cried a zillion times
when the phone broke out it's line
the sounds, it's pieces reflected
a lost and lonely life
that night, in the darkness,
'twas love and hate combined
And in me lay the pieces
What to do, not enough time
thanks a lot for choosing me
to suffer this heavy load
but that kiss you gave to me
let me somehow know
that it wasn't because of me
but for eternity
Too Tired to Nap
I know
I should
close my eyes
But I don't wanna
Too juiced
On adrenaline
My drug of choice
just sleep Ann
If you did what was good for you
you'd be so much better
Yep
Better
Relative?
Yep
But Better
A better butt
that's what I need
A better body
My bettered body
The past
Can't
Get
Out
Ouch
Yikes
Freaks
Sucks
No sense for you
No sense for me
We'll see
scary dreams
scary life
scarred life
helter skelter
violence
rocks
the planets
collide
and slowly subsides
ebb
flow
juice
go
I should
close my eyes
But I don't wanna
Too juiced
On adrenaline
My drug of choice
just sleep Ann
If you did what was good for you
you'd be so much better
Yep
Better
Relative?
Yep
But Better
A better butt
that's what I need
A better body
My bettered body
The past
Can't
Get
Out
Ouch
Yikes
Freaks
Sucks
No sense for you
No sense for me
We'll see
scary dreams
scary life
scarred life
helter skelter
violence
rocks
the planets
collide
and slowly subsides
ebb
flow
juice
go
Sarah Silverman
Just watched "Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic". Really good, you can tell she's super smart, I'm jealous, but she's a lot like me, just thinner, more Jewish and successful. Damn it! (oh, and cooler, too). Fuck.
I Wish
Feel like a jerk
bragging
and smiling
depression is kinder to people
they can never be jealous
if you're unhappy
why is being human so crazy?
I'd rather be a leaf
just a piece of life
Not a whole life
I wish I was an atom
So I wouldn't have to think
or feel
I wish I was the queen of inertia
so I would just observe
If at all
Never have to say I affected this or that
just blameless
forever
bragging
and smiling
depression is kinder to people
they can never be jealous
if you're unhappy
why is being human so crazy?
I'd rather be a leaf
just a piece of life
Not a whole life
I wish I was an atom
So I wouldn't have to think
or feel
I wish I was the queen of inertia
so I would just observe
If at all
Never have to say I affected this or that
just blameless
forever
Sunday, February 25, 2007
A Lot has Happened
Well, I found out I can try to buy a house. I get Social Security back pay. So if the bank gives me a loan, then I'm set for life. I can't really believe it. But I had an appointment with S.S. on the phone, they asked me a few questions, after swearing me in under oath (so surreal) and he said I qualified for 13 years of back pay. It's amazing.
How I qualified? 13 years ago, at the age of 21, I was in the hospital diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After they drugged me enough to be able to realease me as "stable", they couldn't let me out without a place to live, so they had to apply, on my behalf, for Social Security so they could put me in a half-way house for other crazy gals like me. So, I was approved quickly (most people apply on their own, and have to wait to get approved, maybe get a lawyer who eventually takes a few grand of their few-months-to-a-few-years back pay for the honor). Well, come to find out, I should've been put on Child's Benefits, not Social Security Income (SSI), because my dad died before I was 18, he had paid into Social Security (ie, worked) and I became disabled and applied for Social Security before the age of 22. So I get double the money a month, and 13 years back pay! Thank God someone at Social Security looked into it.
I don't want to blow my money, so I'm buying a house. But I can't get married (that would take out my benefits), so Seth might not be able to buy the house with me-he might not be able to be included in getting approved for a loan, and if that's the case, I can't get a loan without his income being included. But, maybe I could find a small house in the middle of nowhere and be able to buy it flat/or be approved by my only monthy Child Benifit income. We'll have to wait and see. Tomorrow, I'm going to S.S. to give them my birth certificate and my dad's s.s. #, and then I'll probably get the money very soon. (S.S. doesn't fuck around, once everything is right, they are very dependable--if George Bush would've had his way and privatized S.S., I'm sure I wouldn't be able to say that with confidence). Anyway, pretty life-altering events here in the life of one small speck of existence. I pray to God I don't do anything monumentally stupid (like not buy a place to live) or get ripped off to badly (like I couldn't buy a place to live, 'cause someone cleaned me out).
I also pray for all the orphans in the world, physically and metaphorically, that God blesses them. Praise be to God. Amen!
How I qualified? 13 years ago, at the age of 21, I was in the hospital diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After they drugged me enough to be able to realease me as "stable", they couldn't let me out without a place to live, so they had to apply, on my behalf, for Social Security so they could put me in a half-way house for other crazy gals like me. So, I was approved quickly (most people apply on their own, and have to wait to get approved, maybe get a lawyer who eventually takes a few grand of their few-months-to-a-few-years back pay for the honor). Well, come to find out, I should've been put on Child's Benefits, not Social Security Income (SSI), because my dad died before I was 18, he had paid into Social Security (ie, worked) and I became disabled and applied for Social Security before the age of 22. So I get double the money a month, and 13 years back pay! Thank God someone at Social Security looked into it.
I don't want to blow my money, so I'm buying a house. But I can't get married (that would take out my benefits), so Seth might not be able to buy the house with me-he might not be able to be included in getting approved for a loan, and if that's the case, I can't get a loan without his income being included. But, maybe I could find a small house in the middle of nowhere and be able to buy it flat/or be approved by my only monthy Child Benifit income. We'll have to wait and see. Tomorrow, I'm going to S.S. to give them my birth certificate and my dad's s.s. #, and then I'll probably get the money very soon. (S.S. doesn't fuck around, once everything is right, they are very dependable--if George Bush would've had his way and privatized S.S., I'm sure I wouldn't be able to say that with confidence). Anyway, pretty life-altering events here in the life of one small speck of existence. I pray to God I don't do anything monumentally stupid (like not buy a place to live) or get ripped off to badly (like I couldn't buy a place to live, 'cause someone cleaned me out).
I also pray for all the orphans in the world, physically and metaphorically, that God blesses them. Praise be to God. Amen!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Don't Bug Me, I'm Busy, Watching TV and Matting My Hair
Can't type and dread at the same time. Forgive me, indifferent make-believe audience. I will miss you.
That's it, I've had Enough
Watch out world, I'm making me some tread-locks tonight. Tread locks are cool. I wanna cool. Hence I shall be!!! Fat girls with tread locks are cool. Halleluejah! Let the tranformation begin. I will christian myself with the mattings of hair, forming perfect compact locks of mini mops to clean my dirty mind. Bob Marley would be proud. (Amen)
Song of Loss
And maybe when
When we see each other again
You'll say I told you so
I'll say goodbye
The lights off your face
Are muted and misplaced
So give me back my dreams
I never want to wake
Reality seems to me
Nothing but a bad dream
With the pain of losing you
And the thoughts that are few
Holding you in the rain
Someday might be true
But until then, lovely darling
Just know I love you
All the thoughts are endless vacant lots
All the make-believe we set just to survive
Every time I ponder you
I get lost in losing you
So just stand still as I walk away
Memories can be fleeting, they say
Reminiscing so bitter sweet
And the pain of having you
was relaced with silence
So I silence you
to the back of my view
far away, yet safe to stay
as I walk away
When we see each other again
You'll say I told you so
I'll say goodbye
The lights off your face
Are muted and misplaced
So give me back my dreams
I never want to wake
Reality seems to me
Nothing but a bad dream
With the pain of losing you
And the thoughts that are few
Holding you in the rain
Someday might be true
But until then, lovely darling
Just know I love you
All the thoughts are endless vacant lots
All the make-believe we set just to survive
Every time I ponder you
I get lost in losing you
So just stand still as I walk away
Memories can be fleeting, they say
Reminiscing so bitter sweet
And the pain of having you
was relaced with silence
So I silence you
to the back of my view
far away, yet safe to stay
as I walk away
Pizza Love
Shh..Seth, don't read this!
Is it possible to flirt with a pizza guy over the phone? Well, I just did. All it took was me saying, "I don't wanna be healthy". Honesty gets you far...well, not far, just reminds you you're still alive...
Ok, Seth, you can look now
I still want you
I want to eat pizza with you
In separate rooms
For tonight
It's better than fighting over power
Is this too personal?
Oh, fuck it.
Is it possible to flirt with a pizza guy over the phone? Well, I just did. All it took was me saying, "I don't wanna be healthy". Honesty gets you far...well, not far, just reminds you you're still alive...
Ok, Seth, you can look now
I still want you
I want to eat pizza with you
In separate rooms
For tonight
It's better than fighting over power
Is this too personal?
Oh, fuck it.
Bitter Sweet
I went over to those guy's house, the ones who don't like to pick up vegetables off of their back-porch. They didn't answer the door. So, whatever. I don't like to pick up rotting veggies either, or answer the door, so forget it. Let them live with their produce collection. See if I care! (sound of defeated snifle)I guess I'll leave apartment managing up to you, Seth. Hopefully that's means I can leave garbage picking up to you, too?
I'm a bitter, bitter women (and a piece of wood).
I'm a bitter, bitter women (and a piece of wood).
Parenting Sucks
I wanted you
And I still do
Don't get me wrong
But it's hard sometimes
knowing what to do
I'm sorry
and I don't know what I'm sorry for
I just want you to be happy
I just want you to be healthy
I just want you to be safe
I just want you to be treated right
I just want you to live up to your potential
I just want you to be nice
I just want you to be glad to be alive
I just want you to...
Just?
That's a lot
My intentions are good
Most of the time
I sometimes wish I was a soccer mom
They're so self-assured
So responsible
So dependable
So normal
Oh well
I try to be do the right thing
Most of the time
I'm human
That's my fault
And I still do
Don't get me wrong
But it's hard sometimes
knowing what to do
I'm sorry
and I don't know what I'm sorry for
I just want you to be happy
I just want you to be healthy
I just want you to be safe
I just want you to be treated right
I just want you to live up to your potential
I just want you to be nice
I just want you to be glad to be alive
I just want you to...
Just?
That's a lot
My intentions are good
Most of the time
I sometimes wish I was a soccer mom
They're so self-assured
So responsible
So dependable
So normal
Oh well
I try to be do the right thing
Most of the time
I'm human
That's my fault
Nowhere Woman
God, all my questions lead nowhere. I want some fucking answers already (but I'd never trust anyone who said they had 'em). Darn it.
Personal (and Social)--The conflict between autonomy & dependence
Autonomy vs. Dependence--that's my biggest problem right now, maybe always. Not just in my relationship, but societal. And I would argue, that that's not just me, but society's problem right now, hence the big fight politically, religion/tradition vs. religious acceptance/innovation. And maybe that's not even "right now", but the very problem of existence????????
Last night
Thin--a doctumentary I watched on cable. Here's what I wrote last night:
I just watched a show called "Thin", about real women with anorexia at a clinic called Renfrow. It scared me and enlightened me and maybe even changed me, yet at the same time re-enforced some ideas I've been having. The latter is what I want to clarify right now. This is hard, but the sooner I cement these ideas to memory, analysis & exploration with rationality, social criticism, the sooner I'll arrive at being understood.
Issues I want bring up:
-Shelley & Kaylie were encouraged to betray Polly, their friend
-Alisa "went with the program" whole-heartedly
-no mention was made of society being sick, except "highschool"
-the clinic allowed several women to be discharged early due to insurance running out
-the issue of "good girl" was apparent
-overweight blonde nurse seemed threatening
My question is: Is anorexia a rational response, an attempt to be "gentle"? To appear, to be, gentle-- so much to the point of self-harm
Another question: the clinic letting them out early--Is there no way to find out early on the length of "treatment" estimate? And tailor someone's "treatment" to fit that?
-when alisa was asked by staff member if she was going to be alright after early discharge, Alisa's response was "It'll have to be". The staff member next reply was- "call us if you need us--that's what we're here for" then closed the window/door and locked it
Question:-the social clique the transpired between Polly, Shelley & Kaylie,- did that provoke jealosy to other "patients"...and staff?
-The desperate plea made by Polly's mother-it fell on deaf ear-staff did not change their minds-though plea was moving, heartfelt and was truly a plea. (It was truly chilling to watch).
Personal issues make me ask myself-how it relates to me:
the staff seemed cold, distant and cruel, petty, self-righteous and fake-how has that affected me from all the time spent in psychiatric hospitals, supposing that it's a "bureaucratic" problem of "treatment" centers in general
Back to show:
question: was polly the "lucky one", the one that got away, kicked out for being what one staff member said a "bad seed"--compared to the others that followed the program and ended up being abandoned over money from insurance and the ones told they'd finished the program (were they actually, in fact, converted, not treated? Subjected and successfully brain-washed, and "released" because of it?
-End of show, said what people were doing post-filming: Polly wnt to school for photography, managed photo place, still struggling with bingeing & purging. Shelley back being psychiatric nurse (with psychiatric problems) & married. Polly appears autonomous; Shelley hyprocitical & dependent.
Personal (and Social)--The conflict between autonomy & dependence
Social- what could be causing these women to physically hurt themselves? Could it be sacrificial? A way to equal themselves to the whole world? Could it be that they have high compassion? Is society asking it of them (this society; Western/American)?
Is the world asking it of them??????
Personal-- Is the world asking that of me, and am I not sacrificing myself?
hmmmm...
I just watched a show called "Thin", about real women with anorexia at a clinic called Renfrow. It scared me and enlightened me and maybe even changed me, yet at the same time re-enforced some ideas I've been having. The latter is what I want to clarify right now. This is hard, but the sooner I cement these ideas to memory, analysis & exploration with rationality, social criticism, the sooner I'll arrive at being understood.
Issues I want bring up:
-Shelley & Kaylie were encouraged to betray Polly, their friend
-Alisa "went with the program" whole-heartedly
-no mention was made of society being sick, except "highschool"
-the clinic allowed several women to be discharged early due to insurance running out
-the issue of "good girl" was apparent
-overweight blonde nurse seemed threatening
My question is: Is anorexia a rational response, an attempt to be "gentle"? To appear, to be, gentle-- so much to the point of self-harm
Another question: the clinic letting them out early--Is there no way to find out early on the length of "treatment" estimate? And tailor someone's "treatment" to fit that?
-when alisa was asked by staff member if she was going to be alright after early discharge, Alisa's response was "It'll have to be". The staff member next reply was- "call us if you need us--that's what we're here for" then closed the window/door and locked it
Question:-the social clique the transpired between Polly, Shelley & Kaylie,- did that provoke jealosy to other "patients"...and staff?
-The desperate plea made by Polly's mother-it fell on deaf ear-staff did not change their minds-though plea was moving, heartfelt and was truly a plea. (It was truly chilling to watch).
Personal issues make me ask myself-how it relates to me:
the staff seemed cold, distant and cruel, petty, self-righteous and fake-how has that affected me from all the time spent in psychiatric hospitals, supposing that it's a "bureaucratic" problem of "treatment" centers in general
Back to show:
question: was polly the "lucky one", the one that got away, kicked out for being what one staff member said a "bad seed"--compared to the others that followed the program and ended up being abandoned over money from insurance and the ones told they'd finished the program (were they actually, in fact, converted, not treated? Subjected and successfully brain-washed, and "released" because of it?
-End of show, said what people were doing post-filming: Polly wnt to school for photography, managed photo place, still struggling with bingeing & purging. Shelley back being psychiatric nurse (with psychiatric problems) & married. Polly appears autonomous; Shelley hyprocitical & dependent.
Personal (and Social)--The conflict between autonomy & dependence
Social- what could be causing these women to physically hurt themselves? Could it be sacrificial? A way to equal themselves to the whole world? Could it be that they have high compassion? Is society asking it of them (this society; Western/American)?
Is the world asking it of them??????
Personal-- Is the world asking that of me, and am I not sacrificing myself?
hmmmm...
And I'm posting for the hell of it
Here in the blogoshere
Without a care in the world
It appears
So there
I'm waiting around as usual
to see if my boredom will subside
And there's an emptiness
See
Feeling
Being
And reaching
for something
for someone to care
Boo-hoo
You big cry baby
with unsalted tears
no, they're dried up
Guilt follows me
It's at the college
At the work I don't do
It's shuffling papers
More than that:
Doing something for someone
Seth, my sorriness is sore
I lack the strength
to be what you want
And I can't stop
or start
just be
down
Here in the blogoshere
Without a care in the world
It appears
So there
I'm waiting around as usual
to see if my boredom will subside
And there's an emptiness
See
Feeling
Being
And reaching
for something
for someone to care
Boo-hoo
You big cry baby
with unsalted tears
no, they're dried up
Guilt follows me
It's at the college
At the work I don't do
It's shuffling papers
More than that:
Doing something for someone
Seth, my sorriness is sore
I lack the strength
to be what you want
And I can't stop
or start
just be
down
The Big Bang cont. some more
So if we're all in it together
the expanding
and the inhaling
either way
Then maybe the inhaling
Isn't as fun either
because we'd be together, too-
But wait
we'd be getting closer
so it would feel better
I can't even keep it together
I already went through that one
must be a sympton of the universe
must be sympton existence
Then, I created this blog here, a way
to find solace in the drifting apart together
Welcome and Goodbye
Goodbye
and welcome
breathe
in
breathe
out
the big bang is coming
And was
And will be again
and again
over
and over
So, Ozzy was right
"I guess we'll meet each other in the end"
the expanding
and the inhaling
either way
Then maybe the inhaling
Isn't as fun either
because we'd be together, too-
But wait
we'd be getting closer
so it would feel better
I can't even keep it together
I already went through that one
must be a sympton of the universe
must be sympton existence
Then, I created this blog here, a way
to find solace in the drifting apart together
Welcome and Goodbye
Goodbye
and welcome
breathe
in
breathe
out
the big bang is coming
And was
And will be again
and again
over
and over
So, Ozzy was right
"I guess we'll meet each other in the end"
Quilt
is that the secret of the universe?
that of couse there's no proof
of life on the planet
all proof imploded
it's htere, in pieces
a breathing lung
expand
inhale
the conversion
is the big band
all is a little breath
the bang
is going from expanding
to inhaling
the climax
the point of change
but part of a pattern
which is probably part of a bigger pattern
a quilt
(guilt?)
quilt
like "Of Human Bondage"
a pretty picture
A pattern on the wall
To explain the meaninglessness of it all-then live in spite of it
that of couse there's no proof
of life on the planet
all proof imploded
it's htere, in pieces
a breathing lung
expand
inhale
the conversion
is the big band
all is a little breath
the bang
is going from expanding
to inhaling
the climax
the point of change
but part of a pattern
which is probably part of a bigger pattern
a quilt
(guilt?)
quilt
like "Of Human Bondage"
a pretty picture
A pattern on the wall
To explain the meaninglessness of it all-then live in spite of it
the Big bang cont.
What's so pleasant about drifting apart?
"The universe is expanding"
says B-52's on their cosmic album
the one with Roam
"Roam, if you want to"
You mean,
"might as well enjoy roaming, because you're going to, whether you like it or not"
that's what that song should say
the world is much bigger than us
the universe is much bigger than us
the galaxy is much bigger than us
but all we can see
is the tip of our nose
control our intake
like it maters
does it matter?
it just might
does a bead in a necklace matter?
cut out the bead
the whole thing falls apart
"Things Fall Apart"
it isn't just Africa
it's our universe
"The universe is expanding"
says B-52's on their cosmic album
the one with Roam
"Roam, if you want to"
You mean,
"might as well enjoy roaming, because you're going to, whether you like it or not"
that's what that song should say
the world is much bigger than us
the universe is much bigger than us
the galaxy is much bigger than us
but all we can see
is the tip of our nose
control our intake
like it maters
does it matter?
it just might
does a bead in a necklace matter?
cut out the bead
the whole thing falls apart
"Things Fall Apart"
it isn't just Africa
it's our universe
The Big Bang
Doubt is my demon
it pulls on me
and I'm supposed to know
to figure out
keep searching
I have to
we all do
and we do
along the way
we act like we're not
but we're searching
explorers
tryng to find each other
while the universe is expanding
and we're drifting apart
after we're far, far, far away
then we'll explode in another bang
drawn like a magnet
to implode
and start life anew
and the genius of it awes me
and the truth of it saddens me
leaves me alone
the drifting
post my lifetime
the climax won't happen until after I'm dead
it pulls on me
and I'm supposed to know
to figure out
keep searching
I have to
we all do
and we do
along the way
we act like we're not
but we're searching
explorers
tryng to find each other
while the universe is expanding
and we're drifting apart
after we're far, far, far away
then we'll explode in another bang
drawn like a magnet
to implode
and start life anew
and the genius of it awes me
and the truth of it saddens me
leaves me alone
the drifting
post my lifetime
the climax won't happen until after I'm dead
Funny
Human
and life
is cruel
even the smallest bacteria proves it
questioning
the "truth"
that says we're good
Baptist
Catholic
American
religious
orphan
lost
bipolar
strange
lazy
crazy
lost
fat
it never ends
it's never right
i'm never right
creativity is a bore
humor, I have none
nothing's funny anymore
I laughed yesterday
but the pills came first
and life
is cruel
even the smallest bacteria proves it
questioning
the "truth"
that says we're good
Baptist
Catholic
American
religious
orphan
lost
bipolar
strange
lazy
crazy
lost
fat
it never ends
it's never right
i'm never right
creativity is a bore
humor, I have none
nothing's funny anymore
I laughed yesterday
but the pills came first
Doomed to Hell
If I make a million
One might make a difference
But I threw them away
She was right
But she's a liar
She said so herself
The smile this morning
makes me crazy
you're not scared
we think for each other
I started it
it's all my fault
just like everything
I don't want anyone to be like me
I hate myself
I love myself
it's just me
selfish
depression
a morality tale
the memories come scaring
to make me realize
how wrong
and I wish I had died
and if I don't end this pretty
a plea to God
I'm doomed to hell on hearth
where is the forgiveness?
One might make a difference
But I threw them away
She was right
But she's a liar
She said so herself
The smile this morning
makes me crazy
you're not scared
we think for each other
I started it
it's all my fault
just like everything
I don't want anyone to be like me
I hate myself
I love myself
it's just me
selfish
depression
a morality tale
the memories come scaring
to make me realize
how wrong
and I wish I had died
and if I don't end this pretty
a plea to God
I'm doomed to hell on hearth
where is the forgiveness?
Sorry
This is a study
of how much one can take
the lines ponder themselves
silence is golden
the power is off
and nothing makes sense
going to make change
to watch it fall
and love gets washed over
the faces accusing
and silent musing
alone again
and when I asked
"what does it mean"
he told me
dead
dea
we're all dea
"It means you're attention-starved"
"It means you're lonely"
But what does it mean?
right?
right?
I asked, so I received
And God looked down
Cold
analytical
anal
of how much one can take
the lines ponder themselves
silence is golden
the power is off
and nothing makes sense
going to make change
to watch it fall
and love gets washed over
the faces accusing
and silent musing
alone again
and when I asked
"what does it mean"
he told me
dead
dea
we're all dea
"It means you're attention-starved"
"It means you're lonely"
But what does it mean?
right?
right?
I asked, so I received
And God looked down
Cold
analytical
anal
Life-long Existencial Crisis
What writing today:
(oh, and welcome to new blog)
Everybody needs to be a poet.
Everyone
everyone
everyone is a poet
all of us
everyone
selfish greed makes me take it all
all of it
all of it
myself and the world
same different
same
different
I do matter
but nothing matters
none of it
none of it
selfish
where's God in this?
Where's God in me?
confused
pondering
morality
ethics
not enough school
too much school
which is it?
which is it?
I'll just sit and create something out of nothing
nothing
nothing
(oh, and welcome to new blog)
Everybody needs to be a poet.
Everyone
everyone
everyone is a poet
all of us
everyone
selfish greed makes me take it all
all of it
all of it
myself and the world
same different
same
different
I do matter
but nothing matters
none of it
none of it
selfish
where's God in this?
Where's God in me?
confused
pondering
morality
ethics
not enough school
too much school
which is it?
which is it?
I'll just sit and create something out of nothing
nothing
nothing
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